17 Emotional Intelligence Tips That Help You Build Stronger Relationships

Someone you love tells you they got the promotion. What do you say next?

Most of us think of support as something for bad days. But psychologist Shelly Gable and her colleagues found that how we respond to good news matters too. In a 2004 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, they reported four studies on what they call capitalization, which means telling other people when something good happens. In two of the studies, sharing good events with others was linked to more positive emotion and well-being on that day, beyond the good event itself. The benefits were bigger when the other person responded actively and constructively, and not passively or destructively. In two other studies, close relationships in which a partner typically responded to good news with enthusiasm were linked to higher relationship well-being, including more intimacy and daily marital satisfaction.

The researchers describe four ways people respond to good news. Active-constructive is the enthusiastic kind, where you show real interest and ask questions. Passive-constructive is quiet support, like a small “that’s nice.” Active-destructive points out problems or downsides. And passive-destructive ignores the news or changes the subject.

A caution. These were studies based on questionnaires and daily reports, so they show links and cannot prove that responding well causes better relationships. Tips 1 through 8 below are based on that research, and tips 9 through 17 are my own ideas about emotional intelligence in relationships. I’ll flag which is which.

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1. Notice when someone is sharing good news

The first skill is noticing. Good news often arrives quietly, like a passing “oh, by the way, I got the job.” It’s easy to miss the moment, and that’s the moment that matters.

When someone starts a sentence with something positive, pause what you’re doing. Give it the same attention you’d give bad news. That shift is the heart of the research.

Try this: Today, watch for one moment when someone shares something good, and stop what you’re doing to listen.

2. Put your phone down and face the person

Active responses need your attention. If you’re glancing at a screen, the person can tell. Turn toward them and put your phone away.

A few years ago, I realized I was half-listening to a friend’s good news while checking my messages. The look on his face told me everything. Now I put my phone down first. That habit is mine, and it fits the research on responding actively.

Try this: The next time someone shares news with you, put your phone face down and make eye contact.

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3. Respond with real enthusiasm

The kind of response linked to stronger relationships is the enthusiastic one. You don’t need to be loud. You just need to show that you’re glad. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you” works.

If you’re not naturally expressive, that’s fine. A warm smile and sincere words are enough. Enthusiasm that’s real is better than enthusiasm that’s put on.

Try this: Practice one sincere, enthusiastic response to good news this week.

Good news deserves a good listener.

4. Ask questions, and let them tell the story

Active responses include curiosity. Ask how it happened, how they felt, what they did next. Let them relive it, since telling the story is part of the pleasure.

“How did you find out?” and “What did you say?” invite more than “Great!” does. The researchers describe this kind of engagement as active and constructive.

Try this: Ask two follow-up questions the next time someone shares good news.

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5. Skip the “but” and the downsides

An active-destructive response points out what could go wrong. “That’s great, but the hours will be long.” Even when the warning is true, it can drain the moment.

If you have a concern, you can raise it later, when the good news has had time to land. For now, let them enjoy it. The timing advice is mine, and the research supports the main idea.

Try this: If you catch a “but” forming, swallow it, and say something you’re glad about instead.

6. Don’t change the subject or one-up them

A passive-destructive response ignores the news or turns to something else. A related habit is topping the story with your own. Both take the moment away from the person sharing.

Stay with their news for a few minutes. You can share your own story later. I’ve caught myself doing this, and it’s an easy habit to fix once you notice it.

Try this: Stay on the other person’s topic for at least two minutes before you mention your own.

7. Share your own good news, too

The studies found that telling others about good events was linked to more positive emotion, beyond the event itself. So don’t keep your good days to yourself. Tell someone.

It can feel like bragging, and sharing simply lets people in. Pick someone who you know responds warmly. That part is my suggestion.

Try this: Share one small piece of good news with someone today.

8. Choose who you tell on purpose

Some people light up when you share, and some don’t. The research found benefits were bigger when others responded actively and constructively. So notice who does that for you.

Tell those people first. You can love someone who isn’t good at celebrating and still save your biggest news for someone who is. That’s my view.

Try this: Write down two people who respond warmly to your good news.

9. Tell people what their good response meant to you

If someone celebrates well, say so. “It meant a lot that you were so excited for me.” It strengthens the habit and the bond.

A short thank-you is enough. It helps people know their enthusiasm matters. That’s my own tip.

Try this: Thank someone who recently celebrated with you and say why it mattered.

10. Listen to understand, not to fix

The rest of these tips are my own ideas about emotional intelligence in relationships. When someone shares a struggle, resist the urge to solve it right away. Start by listening.

“That sounds really hard” is often better than advice. You can ask, “Do you want help, or do you just want me to listen?” That question alone has saved me from many awkward moments.

Try this: The next time someone tells you a problem, ask whether they want advice or just someone to listen.

11. Name the feeling you’re noticing

Emotional intelligence includes naming feelings, yours and theirs. “You sound frustrated.” “I’m feeling anxious about this.” Naming gives you both something to work with.

Guess gently, and let the other person correct you. It shows you’re paying attention. This is my own practice.

Try this: In one conversation this week, name a feeling out loud, either yours or theirs.

12. Pause before you react

When something upsets you, take a breath before you answer. A few seconds can keep a small irritation from becoming a fight.

You can say, “Give me a moment to think about that.” It’s not avoiding. It’s making sure you respond the way you’d like to. That’s my own approach.

Try this: The next time you feel a flash of anger, take one slow breath before you speak.

13. Pay attention to your tone, not just your words

How you say something can matter as much as what you say. A kind sentence in a sharp tone lands as sharp.

Notice your voice when you’re tired or stressed. If you catch a sharp tone, you can say, “That came out harsher than I meant.” That’s my own observation.

Try this: Notice your tone in one conversation today, and adjust if you need to.

14. Repair quickly after a mistake

Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes. What matters is what you do next. A quick, sincere apology helps: “I’m sorry I snapped. I was stressed, and it wasn’t fair to you.”

Skip the “but.” Take responsibility for your part and move on. This is my own advice, and it’s saved a lot of relationships in my life.

Try this: If you owe someone an apology, write down two sentences and say them today.

15. Check in regularly, not only when something is wrong

Relationships do better with small, regular contact. A quick text, a question about their day, or a few minutes of catching up go a long way.

Set a reminder if you need one. I keep a short list of people I want to check in on each month. That’s my habit.

Try this: Send a short “thinking of you” message to someone you haven’t talked to lately.

16. Thank people for specific things

“Thanks for everything” is nice. “Thanks for driving me to the airport at 5 a.m.” is better. Specifics show that you noticed.

Pick one person each day and thank them for one specific thing. This habit is my own, and it tends to come back around.

Try this: Write down one specific thing someone did for you this week and tell them you appreciated it.

17. Look after your own feelings so you have something to give

It’s hard to be present for others when you’re running on empty. Notice your own tiredness, stress, and needs, and take care of them.

If relationships feel persistently painful or draining, it can help to talk with a counselor or therapist. That’s not a failure. It’s good emotional intelligence. That’s a caution from me, not a finding.

Try this: Name one thing you need this week, and take one small step to meet it.

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