9 Wise Words That Help You Feel More Grounded

We’re usually better at giving advice than taking it. Ask most people what they’d tell a struggling friend, and the answer comes quickly and kindly. Ask what they’d tell themselves, and it gets harder.

Psychologists Lauren Eskreis-Winkler, Ayelet Fishbach, and Angela Duckworth found that this gap can work in your favor. In a 2018 paper in Psychological Science, they studied 2,274 people who were struggling with goals. In one experiment, middle-school students who gave motivational advice to younger students spent more time on homework over the following month than students who received motivational advice from expert teachers. The same pattern showed up with adults who were trying to save money, control their tempers, lose weight, or find a job. People who gave advice felt more motivated than people who received it. They also predicted the opposite, expecting advice from others to help them more.

The researchers’ explanation is that giving advice raises the giver’s confidence. To give advice, you have to think through what has worked for you and lay out a plan. That may be what lifts you.

Here’s how I’m using that. The study measured motivation and confidence, and not whether anyone felt “grounded.” I’m using the word loosely, to mean steadier and more sure of yourself. So the 9 sentences below are my own, written as advice you might give a friend. Try saying them to yourself, or better yet, write your own and send them to someone. I’ll mark where I’m going beyond the research.

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1. “Start with the next small thing. You don’t have to fix the whole day.”

When you give advice, you tend to be practical. You’d never tell a friend to solve everything at once. You’d say to pick one thing and begin. The study found that giving advice involves forming specific plans, which is what this sentence does.

Use it when the day feels too big. Name the next small thing out loud, and then do just that one.

2. “Being tired doesn’t mean you’re failing.”

A friend who says she’s exhausted rarely needs a lecture. She needs to hear that tired is a normal state. We’re often much harder on ourselves than on anyone else.

This sentence is my own, not a finding. I say it to myself at the end of a long week. It doesn’t fix anything, but it stops me from adding guilt to tiredness.

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3. “You can take a break and still be serious about your goals.”

Some people worry that resting means they don’t care. The advice you’d give a friend is usually the opposite. You’d tell them a break is part of keeping going.

Write this one on a sticky note if you tend to push too hard. Early on, I used to treat every break as a failure, and this sentence helped me relax about it.

Giving advice can lift the person giving it.

4. “Ask for help. Most people are glad to give it.”

We often assume asking is a burden. We’d never think that about a friend who asked us. When you give this advice, you remind yourself how it feels on the other side.

Pick one thing you’ve been handling alone, and ask one person for help with it this week. This is a habit, not a finding.

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5. “Your worth doesn’t go up and down with your to-do list.”

On a bad day, it’s easy to treat unfinished tasks as proof that you’re not enough. A friend would tell you that you’re more than your list.

Say it when you’re ticking things off and feeling behind. If you keep a list, try ending it with one item that isn’t work, like “sit outside for five minutes.”

6. “You’ve gotten through hard days before. Use what you learned.”

One reason giving advice helps, according to the researchers, is that you search your own experience for what has worked. This sentence does that on purpose.

Try writing down two things that helped you get through your last hard stretch. A few weeks ago, I did this and was surprised at how much I already knew.

7. “Say what you need out loud, even if it feels awkward.”

People can’t guess what you need. A good friend would encourage you to speak up. Giving that advice reminds you that your needs count.

Start small, like saying “I need some quiet for ten minutes” or “Could you help me with this?” It’s a skill that gets easier with practice. That last part is my own experience.

8. “Progress can be slow and still be real.”

When a friend is frustrated, you’d remind them that slow counts. We don’t say “you should be further along” to people we care about.

Look back at where you were a year ago. List two things that are different. Seeing the distance can steady you, and that’s my own exercise.

9. “Be as patient with yourself as you’d be with someone you love.”

This sentence sums up the whole idea. You already know how to be kind and practical with a person you care about. The research suggests you can borrow that voice and benefit from it.

Try this: the next time you’re struggling, write the note you’d send to a friend in the same spot. Then read it back to yourself. I do this more often than I’d admit.

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